You Farggin' Bastich

There is a whole bad fiction story i wrote to go with this spippy title. Currently i have no plans to allow you access to this masterpiece in the works. The short end of it is i created a character loosely based on the old radio heroes of yore. (ala The Shadow and The Green Hornet) But most of you can already smell through my layered bullshit, and know i wanted to create my own Lobster Johnson. I am weary of his claw, are you?

Well this fancy fellow, always addressed by his full moniker The Cactus Bastard, can be in a story in today's age or back in the good 'ol Nazi bashing 40s. (either way he is on the hunt for Nazis, even if they don't presently exist) He has a history of sidekicks, as they are incredibly expendable in his line of work, but each one's death warrants an over the top dramatic proclamation of Cactus Bastard's inner pain, raising an angered fist to the sky - at such a God that would condemn him so. One such example is The Helmet Kid whose only protection is a steel helmet as all villains would prefer to shoot minors in the head.

Also The Cactus Bastard has his own cavalcade of rouges and scoundrels to deal with. One such man is The Frog, loosely based on Christopher Walken. Another is one of seven deadly assassins, Doc.

And ofcourse, the mayo eating, cactus sleeve wearing, Nazi jaw snapping, cow tipping, muffin enjoying hero, The Cactus Bastard. Hero of such adventures like The Midget Cometh, The Mystery of the Mirror's Urination, and the ever popular Twenty days until Bill's Mother's Period.

If you're curious about the thing on his arm, that is his cactus sleeve. It shields him from bullets, and when it is shot at, needles break off and spew forth toward the revolverer. There are also several cacti balls to grapple onto various ledges and so on. Also he has a gun, because in my opinion not enough campy heroes have revolvers. Imagine all the time super man would save if he simply caught the guns thrown at him, and just flinch the gun through the badguy's head. Crime would not exist, crime would be dead with major head wounds.